Man Regrets Everything That Happened Last Night

Local Alcohol Enthusiast Andy Hawk had the time of his life last night. Funny how quickly things can change. After waking up in the back seat of an unfamiliar car parked in a residential neighborhood. Andy reflected on the night before and came away with only two questions. What the hell was he thinking and more importantly, where were his pants. Ironically just a few short hours earlier Andy had proclaimed himself “Booze Daddy” and later “Boob Daddy” before bashing the concept of pants in general and throwing his own pair into a swimming pool after tearing them apart at the seams. A memory which only came to him after he realized his car was parked 12 houses down the street and the only article of clothing he was wearing below the waist was a pair of mens thong

7:09 PM – Andy arrives at friends house with two 12-packs of Budweiser and Bodan Sausage for grilling

7:13 PM – Almost immediately after entering house, engages in a Chugging contest, consumes 3 beers in under 45 seconds.

7:14 PM – Punches loser of chugging contest in stomach.

8:29 PM – After consuming all 24 beers, proclaims self “Booze Daddy” and invites friends wife to help him “smoke his sausage”

8:39 PM – Decides to “Kick It up a notch”, Pours Alcohol all over food he is grilling

9:04 PM – “Scategories”

10:45 PM – Believing finches have the ability to speak, punches daughter’s pet bird when it refuses to learn phrase “suck it”

11:59 PM – Sings every third word to the song “Everybody’s Working For The Weekend” by Loverboy

12:22 AM – Excuses himself to go to bathroom, forgets where he’s going, urinates on a unlocked car and passes out in the backseat.

Video We Didn’t Make Of The Week

Happy Valentines Day!

Lewisville Chamber Of Commerce Fooled By ilovethecolony.net

You would hope that the fake T.C. chamber of commerce video we put on youtube would be obvious (see video below), I mean, it practically says it’s fake in the description, but lets say your too busy to read the description, hopefully you would realize what you were watching was not an official video by The Colony chamber of commerce when you got to the part where the narrator requests “No Funeral” followed by a gunshot and then silence for the next two minutes of footage of nothing but abandoned buildings and liquor stores. But, if you still didnt get it, hopefully you would know it was a fake because no town would use the slogan “The Colony: Barely scraping by since 1977″.

Then again, If you are a member of the Lewisville Chamber of Commerce, maybe you wouldn’t. Because on the official Lewisville Chamber of Commerce youtube page they follow only 14 youtube channels. We, are one of them. Along with the official channels for the chambers of commerce for Dallas, Flower Mound, and Coppell, and the official city of Lewisville Channel.  Once they realize they’re mistake I’m sure they will unsubscribe. But until they do here’s the link so you can see for yourself, A screenshot so it will live on after they unsubscribe, and the video that fooled them.

Lewisville Chamber of Commerce Youtube Channel

 

Elementary School Mascot “Midnight Panther” Found Dead In Apartment

Early this morning the longtime mascot for Peters Colony Elementary School was found dead in his apartment, the apparent victim of a drug overdose. The Midnight Panther was employed by Peters Colony from 1979 till 2010 when he was removed from his long time job of making the afternoon announcements and representing the school at various functions. According to friends the Midnight Panther had grown more and more withdrawn since he was let go by the school and reportedly had begun to seek treatment for an addiction to the street drug “Cheese”. When reached for comment officials at Peters Colony issued a brief statement.

“The entire Peters Colony family is saddened by the passing of the Midnight Panther, he was an important part of our history and he will be missed.”

As police were investigating the scene inside the apartment, former students of Peters Colony had begun to mass outside the apartment, leaving wreaths, notes, even paper panther paws, the prestigious reward for good behavior that was given out by the midnight panther during his time with the school. Former student Alphonso Lopez had this to say about the Midnight Panther.

“It sucks you know, that guy was a true O.G., in every sense of the word. He gave me my first panther paw in 1st grade.” Other former students expressed outrage and pointed the blame at Peters Colony Administration whom they blame for the mascots untimely death.

“I knew they were trying to run the Midnight Panther out when they brought in that chump Huggabear. We Weren’t stupid, even back then I knew they wanted him gone.”

Funeral services will be held Tuesday February 15th

My Neighborhood: Austin Ranch

What it is Ho’s. The names Bryce, but everyone at “Zen” calls me Bry-Bry. If you haven’t caught on yet, I’m from Austin Ranch, which I’m told is technically part of some town called The Colony. Ever heard of it? Yeah, neither have I. I’m from Plano, but when I dropped out of Collin County to dedicate myself fully to producing my own album I decided I needed to move to a super hip apartment complex that would afford me the types of luxuries that a person of my background is accustomed too. Since Frisco was too cliche and Dallas was too brown I moved to Austin Ranch. I have not regretted it since. Everyday when I take my collection of striped shirts and vintage t-shirts from my apartment to the dry cleaners thats located conveniently in the complex, I always run into fellow Austin Ranchers on their way to arrogantly ride their bike down the middle of Windhaven, or someone on their way to Willowbend mall to pick up a new outfit from Aeropostale to wear yachting. We just seem to get along, mostly because of our love of living in a manufactured urban setting, also we’re all white. I guess one of the great things about living in “The Ranch” is the night life, and by nightlife I mean Zen. My friends and I always kick it at Zen after doing lines of coke and watching entourage. We like Zen because we like to get bottle service, and put out the vibe to all the ladies in the place. Did you know that Austin Ranch has a giant Chess set that has chess pieces that are like 3 feet tall. It was designed overly large specifically to fit in with the outrageously inflated egos of the people who live here. Next time you find yourself in Austin Ranch, stop on by and we can listen to Jeffree Starr together and you can watch me castle my king all night long.

Local Masturbater Conquers Porn Addiction “Real Hard”

The Colony resident and local “Porn Maniac” Matthew Oren conquered his addiction to pornography late last night in what he calls a “hands on victory.” Oren, who has by his own estimates, viewed over 11,000 pornographic videos claimed a sure handed victory over his cruel mistress last night after developing a simple massage technique that he developed.

“I used to try to quit looking at porn cold turkey, you know? Just stop. But I’d go 3 or 4 days, then all of a sudden I would catch myself with 13 different porn sites open at the same time. It was very disappointing. However, what I did learn from those failures is porn addictions can not be simply forgotten about. You have to confront it, every day, sometimes twice, and real hard too, you have to beat that addiction so hard.”

Oren’s technique, which he terms a “pre-emptive strike” on his desires involves an advanced form of massage, which when applied by Oren directly to his own genitals renders his desire to view porn almost non-existent. Oren described the procedure he employs “daily, nightly, and ever so rightly” as one which while effective does have side effects, like severe drowsiness. Oren is keeping the exact method for his massage a secret while he attempts to publish a do it yourself book which will help other porn addicts beat their addictions in the privacy of their own bedrooms. The book is entitled “Beat Yourself: Rubbing Out Your Addiction In 10 Minutes”. While tight lipped about the exact procedures described in the book, Oren does hint that it involves “Furiously abusing certain parts of the male anatomy with or without the aid of special lotions and oils, which leads to a almost immediate disinterest in viewing pornographic material.”

Let Me Romance Your Pants Off – Neil Bryants

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Please, Let me explain. I know I may have the reputation around town of being a low down dirty dog, rotten scoundrel, and convicted rapist. But I ask you, is it too late to give a guy a second chance? I mean C’mon, if Ben Rothlesberger is still getting tail why not this guy? Let me break it down for you. It’s Valentines day and I’m all alone, give me a chance to sweep you off your feet and I promise you I will not disappoint. Here’s how our dream date would go down if you will give me the honor of being your beau.

Before I picked you up, I would be sure to clear out all the empty beer cans from the front seat and throw them in the trunk so as to not crowd your feet while sitting in my car. I would also run by the Stop N’ Go and pick you up some flowers and a Nestle Crunch Bar.

When I arrive at your house to whisk you off for a night of magic I will smell strongly of Brute cologne which I have liberally applied to every part of my body, and believe me I do mean every part. After presenting you with the flowers and candy you will ask me where we are going, I press my index finger over your lips

“Patentice my pet, all in due time.”

I then pull a long black sock from my pocket and blindfold you. Leading you to my car I remember that I forgot the condoms, I almost tell you we’ll have to make a pit stop, but I think that would ruin the mood. I’ll just remember to pull out. Hopefully.I get in to the car and reach over to open your door, (my handle is broken and doesn’t work from the outside) As we pull away from your house you ask me if we’re going to dinner and a movie, and to be honest that strikes me as a better idea than the dogfight I had planned to take you to. I start to head for the egg roll house before I remember that it burned down like 3 years ago. My go to date restaurant now just a boarded up memory, I make a sharp turn and head to Taco Bell. 5 burritos later I’m panicking to think of a movie to take you to, and with only 85 cents in my pocket our choices are limited.We start back for my room at the budget suites where I have a really classy porno in my dvd player for us to watch. I’ll stop there, I think you can tell by that point you will be unable to resist the numerous sexual advances that will follow in rapid succession. So ladies, if your alone like me this valentines day, let me love you.

Video We Didn’t Make of the Week

I want this played at my funeral.

The Colony Historic Society To Construct Authentic 1850′s Version Of The Colony

The Colony Historic Society seeking to capitalize on rising gas prices and a desire by many families to stay home for vacation is set to build a theme park that will allow citizens to see how life  was lived in              The Colony in the year 1850 without leaving their city. The town will be a recreation of the settlement that once stood in present day The Colony and was home to the men and women who are buried in Bridges Cemetery. Much like historic baseball leagues which play by rules that governed the game in the 1860′s the 1850 version of The Colony will also require visitors to abide by laws governing the area that were actually in effect in the 1850′s. While many of these laws are no different than the ones in use today, some laws will require certain residents to adjust accordingly. For example, Women will be prohibited from voting for their choices in many of the towns activities like talent shows. Many modern day T.C. residents will still find many similarities between the two cities. Much like present day The Colony the historic town will feature numerous saloons approximately seven banks and 1 police officer for every 3 residents.

Mayor of The Colony Hosting Superbowl Party

They say that the superbowl coming to North Texas will generate over $40 million for local communities. As mayor it is my job to line my own pockets with as much of that money as I can. Which is good, because between you and me, I’m about 20 grand in the hole on a line of credit I opened up with some “friends” at the Choctaw indian casino in Durant. Now, most cities in north Texas can rely on hotel tax to generate lots of money, however the only hotel we have is the Comfort Suites off Blair Oaks so that won’t produce nearly enough money. (Yes, we also have Budget Suites but there are no vacancies there, its full of drifters, crank dealers, and teenage moms.) 

So the question becomes, how do I, the Mayor of The Colony make enough money off this superbowl to pay my massive gambling debts. I know what your thinking… and yes, I could go and make the money the old fashioned and honorable way by selling fake superbowl tickets, but at current prices a pair of those only brings $3500 – 5000 max. I need the big money. So, on superbowl sunday I’m taking advantage of some of the vacant commercial space in this town by turning the old resale shop over by the Dollar General into PARTY CENTRAL! That’s right, The Colony is having it’s very first Superbowl party and your invited. For just $75 you can gain admittance to the main room where you can watch the game on a huge 26 inch tv I’m borrowing from Griffin Middle School’s A.V. department.

 Now, if you want to party with yours truly as well as rub elbows with celebrities you should book our VIP package. For only $1200 per person you gain access to the VIP room where you will be treated to a private concert by rock god EDDIE MONEY as well as 1980′s supergroup Mr. Mister!!! In attendance will also be Hollywood royalty Gary Busey as well as Televisions Patrick Duffy!!!  Finally, as a VIP you will be given a gift bag containing coupons to Mi Cocina, a small order of onion rings from Whataburger, 2 cans of gold spray paint for huffing courtesy of  the Home Depot and best of all 1 get out of jail free card endorsed by me, redeemable at The Colony Police Dept. Tickets are on sale now, drop by City Hall between now and Superbowl sunday. I’ll see you there.

                                                                                                      – The Mayor